Something About Jake......

I swear some of the funniest things that I have ever happened to me, happen at school when I am teaching. One of the top 5 HAS to be an incident that happened about 15 years ago. Everyone at that school still laughs about this one to this day.

I was teaching 3rd grade, it was my second year of teaching. I had the most delightful class of kids. Outgoing, smart, fun, kind....they still are one of my most favorite classes that I have taught.

We were doing prep stuff for Christmas, the holidays were coming on fast, and every year the 3rd grade classes studied about celebrations and holidays around the world. We did all kinds of different activities to tie the learning in with multiple subjects and making sure to cover core concepts the children were required to learn (I put that last sentence in here so that I look REALLY good, just in case someone here in Southern Cal wants to offer me a job).

Anyhowzit, we were making some sort of craft, and then going to a dress rehearsal practice for the holiday program, so the kids were taking turns going down to the bathroom in groups to get dressed in their nice clothing. I sent down a small group of boys and continued working with the students in the class with me. About 5 minutes or more later, I realized that all of the boys from that group were back, with the exception of one student. Jake.

Jake......Jake was a bit of a problem. He was a momma's boy, his dad didn't live around them, and his mom doted on him, allowing him to do mostly whatever he wanted. Also, Jake was smart. No...he was bright, probably one of the brightest kids I have ever worked with. He was smaller than the other kids, looked different, and acted different. This was not lost on the children. They were tolerant and nice to Jake, but they were wary. This is because at any given moment, Jake would become angry or upset and throw a tantrum truly worthy of "The Nanny". The first time I witnessed one of these tantrums, I was trying to get the class down to the auditorium for Picture Day. This is already a difficult day as you, as the teacher, need to ask the students for their order forms, collect the order forms, ask the students again for order forms, collect the forms from a few stragglers, write down or check the names of those students who have order forms, ask the students who have NOT turned in the order forms if they have the order forms, collect these latest order forms and mark them down also, ask students if anyone else has an order form, and so on..... So Jake's first tantrum occurred when we were walking down the hall to get the pictures done. He said his mom had told him she was coming to go with him to take pictures, which none of the other parents were allowed to do, and when she didn't show up, he started crying, and then stomping and then he THREW himself down on the floor and had an old-fashioned down-right-dirty tantrum, in the hallway, on the floor. All of us had eyes that were huge, watching him scream and kick. I tried to pick him up and get him to stand. He wouldn't and he continued. I told him to stand up. He continued. And then, I used my most ugly you-had-better-get-your-rear-off-the-floor-right-now voice, the voice that made other kids, even the toughest ones, tremble and do what I told them to do. It didn't even faze him. I finally had to reach down and lift the kicking kid off of the floor and carry him, kicking my legs, hitting me and screaming, up to the office. His mom got to us when We were almost there, and she simply helped him stand and smoothed his hair and kissed his sassy little cheek as if he had been mistreated and misunderstood. THAT was his tantrum. So back to the original story......

On THIS day, he had not returned from the restroom with the other boys. Knowing his penchant for getting into trouble (and having the other boys already tattle on his antics in the bathroom) I decided that I better go down to the bathrooms and check on things. As I started walking down the hallway, I heard yelling down by the bathroom. I sped up and ran the rest of the way, thinking that there was a fight going on. When I reached the open doorway that went into the bathroom, a boy came out and said "Mrs L, Jake needs your help!" I leaned in the doorway and yelled, (it WAS a boys' bathroom), "Jake! What's going on? Are you ok? What's the matter?" and then, from inside the bathroom came a yell for help like I have never heard before or since........

"My......peeee......nisss.......iss.....stuck....innn....my......zi.........pperrrrrrrr!!!!!!"

I stood there, dumbfounded, trying to think. I instantly decided that I would NOT be going in there to unhook his wanky. Emergency or not, there are some lines you cannot cross. Especially with a mama's boy. Especially with Jake.

I ran down the hall to the teacher's lounge. Now this is an elementary school, the ration of male to female teachers is about 1 to 30. My chances of finding a guy to handle this were slim. My principal however WAS a man, and he had a long history with Jake. THIS would be interesting.

There weren't any men in the lounge area and I ran to the principal's office - empty too. I ran to the front office and asked the women where the principal was or Mr. Johnson, a 5th grade teacher. They were both in the auditorium in the middle of an assembly. So I ran to the auditorium and went up to the door and yanked it open. Mr. Gills, my sweet, ready-to-retire principal was up front and talking into the mike to a room full of parents and students. I motioned him to come over and he could tell by the look on my face that I needed him NOW. He came over and I told him I needed his help quickly. We started walking down the hall and on the way, I told him what had happened. Mr. Gills is an amazing principal and he is the kind of principal that spends recesses and lunches out on the playground BEING with the kids. He's a really nice guy. But I am telling you, when we walked down that long hallway and I told him the story, I saw his lips twitch and he suppressed a smile.

We got to the restroom and he went right in - Jake was whimpering, poor thing, and I could hear Mr. Gills talking to him for a second. I stood outside the open doorway listening, and then, with a loud yelp from Jake, Mr. Gills unzipped his p*nis (c'mon let's just all agree right now - p*nis is an ugleeeee word). Mr. Gills walked out and I said, "Oh my gosh! What did you do?" and he said that he simply grabbed the top of the pants and YANKED the zipper down! And then, with the wisdom that only a principal of 30 years could give, he said, "Well, Mrs. L., if he wasn't circumsized before.....HE IS NOW!" And I swear his lip twitched again.